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My 2019 Depth year journey?

5/3/2020

3 Comments

 
Some of you may recall, I had big plans for 2019, which included (among other unfulfilled things... foreshadowing... ahem) a depth year journey.

What is a depth year? It's basically a conscious decision to purchase with intent and to find joy in current possessions, hobbies and passions, without adding to the noise, so to speak.

I had rather specific guidelines and goals set aside for myself, in regards to this journey, which included shopping restrictions, but also hobbies I wanted to further invest myself in, such as reading, sketching and poetry, as well as maintaining a consistent daily spiritual practice.

​So how did it go?
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Let me preface this by saying that, while I've been disappointed in my lack of progress with outlined goals, I've since come to a point of acceptance and self-love that allows me to acknowledge it's okay to experience your day, week or year within the parameters of your energy and needs. This means that, no, I didn't meet my goals. Not a single one. But that's okay. 

I spent too much money. I bought too many planners and too many clothes and too many purses. More of any one thing than I am likely to use. Not only did I spend money, but I realized too late what a superfluous purchase it was, then later re-sold it or gave away many of the things I had acquired. I recognize the waste I caused and in which I indulged, and I'm working steadily to make better choices as the weeks unfold. 

However, it's been a struggle. 

Last fall, I was diagnosed with pneumonia. This illness persisted for longer than anticipated and, even when my tests came back negative and I was clear of the illness, I was feeling lethargic, unmotivated and uninspired. This has continued through today. In February, however, an answer arrived in a diagnosed of  ME / Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, most likely triggered by the viral pneumonia (in theory), and was told to expect my physical and emotional stressors to continue indefinitely.

So how does this relate to my depth year and 2019 goals? 

It has led me to understand that it's okay. That it's acceptable and encouraged to make allowances which encourage self-care. Sometimes this means goals and plans must be sacrificed so my energy may be utilized in ways that many take for granted... taking a shower, folding a load of laundry, grocery shopping or an afternoon with the in-laws. But it has also taught me that there's no excuse for indulging in unhealthy behaviors and habits that are not feeding my wellness, but adding to its demise. 

What does this mean moving forward? 

It means I'm taking things slow. I'm keeping myself accountable for using my resources responsibly, which include my energy and my finances. It means lessons may be released late, videos may be postponed, personal art projects may remain in a perpetual state of "almost complete", and how I interact with others is altered to protect my mental health. 

And I hope those of you out there who also experience chronic illness are recognizing your needs and finding healthy ways to address them, without guilt, without regret and without self-admonishment. You deserve to care for yourself first, before you can care for the needs of others. 

Stay safe everyone and stay creative!
​
3 Comments
Jan McNichol
5/5/2020 01:47:08 pm

Hi Nicole,
You have my empathy! I so understand!!
I share my own version of having to accept what I can do with my energy level and ability to go do or not. I am so used to being a power house in all my activities in my life forever. Finding the adjustment difficult, aggravating, disappointing and just plain challenging. Drats! Drats! Drats!
Am one of the older baby boomers who has been diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis at this stage of my life. Have always had it. Just now have a label for what is becoming more difficult to live with. Yes, we are really seeing this condition surfacing in the folks in their 60's onward in significant numbers. Doctors are trying to understand why we are showing up so much later.
Life is making me determine what needs to go off my wish list...very hard to let go of some dreams and wishes,,, and which ones are the most appropriate to stay on the list. Life is insisting on me acknowledging my energy allotment and setting my pace and number of activities for each day. Life is helping me to determine what is most important to me and my family. Life is requiring a clear and consistent treatment routine of daily medical care.
Do I have this mastered? No, but I am getting better at accepting, managing and finding some creative time. Will I ever be perfect at this process? No, but I give myself permission to be who I am and to accomplish what I can and to know that I am exactly where I am to be.
Nicole, be safe and be kind to yourself.
Every one be safe and kind to yourselves too.

Reply
KJ
5/20/2020 06:55:31 pm

I have been following you for a long time- which is another way of saying you have my support and my admiration for your accomplishments.

Setting goals is good. Reaching goals is a process - just ask anyone who has ever dieted, tried to quit smoking, make time to exercise, etc... Just because we do not reach our goals does not mean the goals were unreasonable or that we are failures, it just means we need to keep getting a little bit better, and if we do not, try it again tomorrow and the day after.

One of the important lessons I have learned is how important love is. It is important that we love others and express that love in whatever way we can. It is important to accept the love of others. I am always amazed at how kind and generous people are to an old fat lady with a brilliant smile. It is also important that we love ourselves - warts and all. Be as kind to yourself as you would to those people who are important to you.

Enjoy your journey, the scenery is great.

Reply
Cheri Lundstrom
12/5/2020 07:29:37 pm

This hit way too close to home. Back in the summer of 1989 I had a pneumonia that cut me down in my prime. Eight years of CFS then a partial recovery. Never a complete recovery.

Now over thirty years later at 69, I find myself guarding my energy closer. I've been accused of not being sufficiently outraged at social injustice. I simply don't have the resources to march in the streets anymore.

The world will have to correct itself without my input. If I allow myself to get involved I won't be able to do anything at all. I was doing a bit better for awhile then had another reaction to a medication that set me back to square one. I meditate a lot lately just to feel human. My love to you.

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  • Home
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