Well. Hi there! It's been a hot minute, hasn't it? In fact, it's been OVER A YEAR since I last posted a new blog post and that is just one of many things I aim to change these next several months, starting now. When Covid-19 hit, the world was forever changed. We had to re-evaluate how we interact, how we work, how we manage our spending and finances. Jobs were lost or forever altered. Businesses closed amidst frustrations and tears and, quite frankly, I almost saw myself among them, especially these past two years. Because, with the chaos of Covid, came a chronic-illness flare that saw me ill-equipped to handle the new stresses now facing me. For two years, I struggled to work, to clean my home, to get out of bed at all, even. Still today I sleep 12 hours at a time, force myself to crawl from the cocoon of my blankets and do something, anything, with my day. And, if you've ever experienced chronic illness, you'll know it's almost always accompanied by it's faithful companion, Depression.
Many times, I thought "Today is the day. Today I'm announcing the closure of my business", and I was ready to do it. I was ready to sell everything, beef up my resume and find whatever soul-crushing retail position this town could provide. At least, I thought, that's stable... that's a paycheck. I know what I'm getting myself into. And yet not even that felt feasible while I slept half the day and cried for the rest.
I reached out when I could, when my energy allowed. I journaled at times, to help work through the traumas of my illness and the ever-present feelings of failure. And this helped for a time, for a day or a week even. But still, I slept. And when I wasn't sleeping, I was weeping. And through the struggle, somehow, I seemed to find the other side of it. Through perseverance and the support of others, I moved through each day, only thinking of the next minute in front of me. Eventually, the depression seemed to slink into the shadows, and I could see a bit more of the light. I wish I could tell you how, but that doesn't seem to be how depression works. I don't want to romanticize mental illness with some white-knight allegory about how all I needed was love. Sometimes, what you need is therapy and medication, the time AND the support of others. I was privileged to have that time and that support, required to see me through. I was privileged to have a doctor who listens (with an abundance of tissues and hugs). And, quite frankly, I got a little lucky that, just as I hit my limit, the darkness dissipated and the weight of sadness lifted. If I could wish anything at all for those who suffer illness and depression, it would be these same privileges and luck. I handled what I could handle, gave up what I couldn't, and saw myself day to day towards some semblance of living. And I feel safe now, in my own head. I still chronically ill. I still sleep 12-14 hours every single day, break out in a rash when I'm hot. I'm still losing my hair, gaining unexplainable weight, and can't climb stairs without a sweat soon to follow. I'm still incredibly nervous about getting a cold or the flu, which almost always worsen my symptoms ten-fold. But, despite it all, I feel safe in my own head. And, for that, I'm eternally grateful. So, what I wish to say to you, reading this now, is that I see you, and I hope for you freedom from your burdens, your illness, your stress and sadness. I want for you support and, while it's not a cure, the love of those who care for you. You deserve no less than that. And if you are struggling, just look at the minute you are in, and the minute coming next, and focus on walking from one minute to the other, and keep walking and, someday, it's not quite a chore. Someday, you'll realize there's a little more light by which to walk, and your legs don't feel quite so heavy and maybe.... just maybe.... you can smile and laugh and mean it. I see you. I love you. Keep walking.
3 Comments
Emeania
5/7/2024 12:42:23 pm
I’m also just starting to crawl out of the pit that chronic illness threw me into—also about three years ago. I mean, I’ve had these illnesses for a really long time, but it wasn’t until about three years ago that they suddenly got a whole lot worse. And I experienced all of the same symptoms you describe, though mine are better controlled now aside from still sleeping like a cat without my medications. Wire wrapping became a renewed interest of mine because it requires less energy than a lot of my other hobbies. Your tutorials have been like a lifeline since I’m still so new to the craft. You have been so much help in my own recovery, and I thank you for putting so much of yourself out into the world.
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Tanya
5/7/2024 03:09:15 pm
It's nice to see you blog again and I want to send you my love from across the pond. I feel your words deeply. You have managed to articulate a lot when it comes to depression. I live with this condition (amongst many others) and it is almost impossible to predict, much less explain. I am glad it has loosened it's grip enough for you for fight battles on other fronts, where you can. I hope you continue to gain strength. xx
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KJ
5/13/2024 10:29:31 am
Virtual hugs to you. I have seen 3 loved one's through hospice and what I have learned is that what really matters is both giving and receiving love; everything else, though important, is second. (I recognize I have a roof over my head and food on the table, nonetheless, love is what matters.)
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