Today is my birthday.
But please… hold your well wishes until I tell my weary tale, for never was there such a tale more sorry than mine.
My birthday is notoriously rife with bad luck. Not, oh-I-stubbed-my-toe-getting-out-of-bed bad luck, but oh-I-stubbed-my-toe-getting-out-of-bed-then-cut-myself-shaving-then-accidentally-put-salt-in-my-coffee-then-got-a-flat-tire-on-my-way-to-work-then-lost-my-wallet-during-lunch kind of bad luck. And that’s just before noon.
Last year, for instance, the universe decided I was having too much an enjoyable morning and endeavored to shake things up when a women proceeded to pull into the parking spot next to me at work while I gathered my purse and coat…. and rip my open car door off its hinges with the large bumper of her SUV. Now I realize that not everyone has the depth perception to drive vehicles larger than golf carts, and I’m not discriminating here, really, but there were forty-five empty parking spaces on every conceivable side of me. You can imagine my frustration. So, I give. Universe 1, me-0.
I had to walk to work in snow for the following three days while my door was repaired. Universe -2 (or four, if you’re the cup-is-half-empty type), me-0.
I don’t own a pair of snow boots. Or pants for that matter. Okay, so I like my pencil skirts. I find they have a great slimming quality, and who pairs snow boots with a pencil skirt anyway? Psh. But really… that’s no reason to kick a girl when she’s down, now is it? Universe-3, me-0.
Oh, and then I fell off a ladder at work (Universe-4), dropped my pizza during lunch (Universe-5), and failed a test (Universe-6).
And ultimately I realized it wasn’t the the fault of the Universe. It was just doing it’s thing. Targeting me with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns. But not again, OH NO! Never again! I refused to fall into the jinx trap of birthday well-wishers and began to refute the legitimacy of this cursed day. January 12th no longer existed on my calendar. From that day forth, I would only have the UN-birthday. Which, this year, just happened to fall on January 6th.
Why that day? Well, to that I say “why not?”. The weather was stunning, sunny and 50 degrees. I had money. I had Tim Horton’s within walking distance, and a large Mocha Latte that was calling my name with the buttery voice of ….. well…. butter. And chocolate. And other fattening-type things I might regret on January 7th, but on January 6th felt like the perfect UN-birthday indulgence.
So, to wrap it up, I had a fantastic UN-birthday. I did the unthinkable and tricked the Universe and all that well-wishing birthday jinxing that inevitably accompanies it. And, as a consequence of celebrating an UN-birthday, my ACTUAL birthday wasn’t half bad. Blissfully UN-eventful. Which is exactly how I like it. But next year I have to chose a new UN-birthday. Can’t have the Universe catching on, now can I?